Righteous Pathway Ministries

So how’s life treating you someone may ask or how have you been or even ‘sup? My immediate thoughts are

• 1) do I dare tell them the truth? Who could bare to listen to me expound on how I really am?
• 2) My second thought is, they aren’t really asking me how I am doing, it is just a greeting.

So, if you’re like me you smile and say fine, and you? Also expecting them to respond with something like, great, fine or at the least hanging in there.

For those who want to read on, the truth is my life is shattered. Don’t go into religious shock on me here now….. You say, how can you confess that your life is shattered and profess to be a born again believer in Christ? Read on, this will all come together and will only take you about 6 or 7 minutes to finish.

I’m at the place on my journey with God that I find myself shattered, broken in pieces, crushed. Sometimes I think, will I survive this? It feels like I will die. Outward manifestations of what is happening inward begin to expose themselves. I weep from deep within and even those who are the closest to my heart can’t seem to understand or help me no matter how thoroughly I try to explain myself.

I’m thinking, this is so real and so traumatizing, how can they not see what is happening to me? I went through periods where I thought my family and dearest friends just didn’t care. The things they would offer only made me angry because I never felt it addressed what I was feeling and never solved anything, accept maybe ease “their” conscience that they took the time to listen to me and respond.

I would pray and pray and weep and cry till I physically became weak. I would search for scriptures; listen to broadcasts (pod casts) and teachings. I would tune into preachers of every denomination yet I could find no relief. No one had the answer I needed.

I felt so forsaken that I even began to question my relationship with God. I got so bad that I started wondering things like, who am I? Why was I even placed on this earth? What happened to my life, where did it go? How did this happen to me, seemingly without warning? You must understand, I didn’t just go through this for a night or a weekend. It has been going on for nearly six months now. Day after day, grieving, wallowing in anger and self-pity, wanting my life back.

You’re probably wondering what is going on in my life that these feelings arose in the first place? Let me give you a few of the major highlights, I’m not sure it would be possible to document every minor detail that was going on at the time, like regular household chores, grocery shopping etc.

It began when I became unhappy and convicted over performing non-gospel music (which was my job along with my husband and son). So, I prayed and asked God to get me out of it so I could minister for Him and Him only. Next thing I know, I lose my job! I thought, God, I didn’t mean for you to take my job from me, couldn’t you have fixed it to where I could sing about you and glorify your name and keep my job?

Then came the financial hardship of only having one income and being used to having two. So I took a two-week mini vacation, caught up on some housework and even painted some rooms. The financial crunch was becoming more obvious and getting tighter.

Stress was consuming me. I figured it was time for “me” to do something about it. I thought, perhaps if I change careers and get out of the entertainment business, tourism and theatres, I will

• a) Feel good about my life again and
• b) Have a second income so we can get back to a somewhat normal life.

So as a good little Christian, I went to my prayer closet, consulted with God and it sounded something like this.

Father, I am going to apply for this position in the medical field. I really want this job and I believe that I will be a help and blessing to folks. So God help me to get this job, open the doors for me, I thank you. Oh, and if I get it, I will know that it is your will for me to work there.

Looking back I see that what I was really saying was “not your will Father, but mine be done!” Whew, big-a-mistake! I got the job and it lasted all of two whole weeks. I had to leave because I became so ill I could not perform the required tasks with accuracy. Physically I could barely hold my head up. I couldn’t sleep at night, I felt light headed and confused and I was tired all of the time even upon waking.

I asked God to heal me in hopes of keeping the job. They were holding my position for me. I kept getting worse. I realized I had two choices at that point

• a) go to the doctor
• b) die.

Went to see the Doc and found out some things I didn’t want to hear.

• Menopause was setting in and robbing me of my sleep. Also causing horrible night sweats.
• Diabetes was back with a vengeance.

(I had walked in perfect healing from diabetes for nearly four years. Took no meds, no more blood tests, and no special diet. I couldn’t understand, I hadn’t gained any weight as a matter-of-fact, I had lost some).

When I say with a vengeance I mean;

• I bypassed oral medications and went straight to three insulin shots per day.
• I had hypertension
• I was retaining fluid 
• I had allergies
• I was having leg pain especially at night so bad that I could not fall asleep.

At this point I realized I could not return to work, I couldn’t remain stabilized long enough.  I was still trying to handle all of this “myself.”   My focus became my health. Everything now evolved around me.

My husband Ronnie and I went and purchased a treadmill to increase my activity level. Two weeks after the purchase, the central air in our double wide went out and the outside temperature of 100* matched the inside temperature of 100*. The heat made me so sick that I couldn’t exercise. So now what I thought?

My stress and frustrations were nearing the top floor of my elevator. My self-pity was in itself getting pitiful.

I continued to pray which really was more of a glorified complaint session than anything else. There I was, no job, having health issues, living in miserable heat conditions, feeling sorry for myself and questioning God.

You must realize that life around me never stopped or even slowed down to give me space to deal with all of this stuff. Well meaning people still called me unloading their frustrations and burdens asking for prayer. My two dogs had separate accidents that I had to tend to. Our dog Buddy got into a yellow jackets nest and received multiple stings on his head and body. A skunk sprayed Jasper our other dog. Both of these are indoor dogs!

My husband Ronnie got bit by a poisonous bug of some sort and nearly died. He finally recovered after about two weeks and a rigid course of antibiotics and immediately fell and broke his ribs. My son Jordan fell around the same time at work and broke his foot, bruising his toes, foot, ankle and half way up the calve of his leg. He was on crutches for weeks.

On top of all that we have to mow approximately one plus acres and all three belts on our riding lawnmower broke, something messed up with the speed and one of the blades broke. All in the same week! Add to this that in my close family and friends,

1) One fell and broke their arm requiring surgery

2) Another fell and broke their wrist

3) Another nearly died from alcoholism

4) Another had an emergency delivery of a baby.

5) My five-year-old grandson had surgery.

6) Another had car trouble and we had to make the repairs

All of this was going on while battling diabetes, high blood pressure other health issues, financial problems, finger sticks, insulin injections, caring for the sick and injured, nursing back to health sick puppies, getting rid of the skunk smell that filled the house, having the air conditioner repaired, and the lawnmower fixed.

Oh, did I mention I had out of state company during this time? Two different couples with a combined stay of over three weeks! I even had loving, well-meaning people (without consulting me first) make a Doctor’s appointment for me, they told me I needed greater medical attention than what I was receiving. When I told them I couldn’t afford any more than what I was already doing they said I would have to trust God for the money to receive and continue treatment at the place they thought I should go.  Don’t take me wrong, I greatly appreciated it but at the time it just added to the mountain that was before me.  I could feel the pressure on me from all sides.

I began to quiet down within myself. I felt like I had come to the end of my rope. Just as I thought I couldn’t go on anymore I felt a very gentle urge to study God’s word. It was so small that the cares of this life could easily have caused me to ignore it. I’m glad that I didn’t.

God began to show me about the flesh, (which is our human nature). I started to see where my flesh was in enmity with God. Although I was not out committing sin, I was much bigger on the outside than I was on the inside if you know what I mean.

After all, I had plans. I had dreams. I had goals. I had desires. I had a will of my own! I always thought I was submitted to God. I believed I desired His will above my own. I would be the first to admit that I could move-up and get closer to Him but I actually thought I was pleasing to God.
I thought, I pray. I read my bible. I give to the poor. I feed the hungry. I clothe the naked. I pray for people and actually see God move for them. I’m a good wife, a good mother and a good grandmother. I sing and play instruments for the Lord and even write songs inspired by God. What more can I possibly do? My life is shattered all around me!

I now found myself lying on my face before God. Not on my knee’s, oh no, I felt I had to be much lower and more humble than that. I didn’t come complaining this time. I was crying but it was a sincere soul searching going on.

God let me see myself as though I was a broken mirror, pieces of broken glass lying on the floor all around me. He showed me that I had two choices. I could start to pick up those pieces and reconstruct my life myself –or- I could let Him do it.

I realized that if I were to reach for the first broken piece I only had the knowledge of how to put it back the way it used to be. I would recreate the same ole me with the same ole problem. Perhaps I could have even been injured worse on those broken jagged pieces.

In repairing myself I might be recognizable to those who knew me but would have obvious visible flaws. I didn’t have the knowledge, wisdom or power to make my life brand new, but He did.

If I was going to trust Him to do this it meant that I would have to lose my life! This was very frightening to me.

This meant that I would have to come to the end of myself.  I would have to give God full control and no longer try to “help” Him manage my life but willingly submit to Him.  Allowing His desires and plans to be worked in my life.

Everything I once knew; my ideas, my thoughts, my plans, my desires, my dreams and my goals. I would be emptied. This is going to take a great deal of trust I thought to myself.

• I would ask you, how do you trust someone you don’t intimately know?

All of us realize that it is an absolute impossibility to fully trust someone we don’t know. I thought I knew God. As He began to unfold my shattered, broken life I quickly realized that I didn’t know how to let God love me. I didn’t know how to love Him.

• He revealed to me that I knew what the religious world spoke and taught of Him. That I knew how to follow all the rules, walk the walk, talk the talk but I did not know how to have a relationship with Him in the power of His love.

Love is very powerful my friends.

• You cannot love and be unable to forgive.
• You cannot have the Fathers love and be full of fear.
• You cannot live in Fathers love and begrudge it to another.
• You cannot worry about what man thinks about you.
• You must understand His love through His Son Jesus.

Look at their relationship (Father & Son). Look at the relationship between Jesus and the disciples, Jesus and the world, Jesus and His enemies. I could never place this love in you and at my very best I can only point you to its source.

• God assured me there is nothing I can or cannot do that would make Him love me any greater or any less that He already does.

He is not watching every move I make waiting to hit me over the head or allow tragedy to strike my life. His love takes away all my fear and all my shame so that I can have a living/loving relationship with my heavenly Father.

He is merciful and kind, forgiving and comforting. When His love abides in me I only seek to please Him. I automatically as natural as breathing air or as involuntary as blinking my eyes keep His commandments.

It is a pleasure and honor to be in His presence. Now I don’t only spend time with Him in prayer and then go about my business but He is my best friend. We hang out together twenty-four, seven. Even when I am sleeping I have the peace of knowing He is with me and watches over me and that He is in full control.

I am by no means perfected in this yet. It is a journey that will take time. I now know that even in-spite of the pain, I am in a much better place coming to “the end of myself.” Being shattered and broken, emptied of all my plans allowing my loving Heavenly Father to put me back together than in the place I once was.

When He is finished with me I am sure I (along with others who are undergoing or have undergone this same surgery) will be the apple of His eye. I now have the assurance that He will take care of me and all I have need of will be provided by Him. I have a lot to look forward to in the building of the best relationship I have ever had in my life as long as I submit to God and His love.

• The answers that I seek have not been found nor satisfied within me through religion but have come through a real relationship with my Heavenly Father through His Son, Jesus.

John 15:13 Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends.

John 12:25 He that loveth his life shall lose it; and he that hateth his life in this world shall keep it unto life eternal.

Matthew 16:25 For whosoever will save his life shall lose it; and whosoever will lose his life for my sake shall find it.

Matthew 21:44 And whosoever shall fall on this stone shall be broken: but on whomsoever it shall fall, it will grind him to powder.

And so I continue my journey with Him;

Patricia A. Bishop

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